Changing is hard

My family is not a big one. I was living in Wuhan, China for about 16 years. I never had the chance to move or get away from my family since I decided to come here to Utah. 

Not after I moved here did I realize that how life can be extremely different. I am the only daughter in my family, which is rare in Utah. Most people here think we Chinese are always the spoiled ones. It is obvious that the only child in the family have all the privileges to get all the things he or she wants. I have to confess that we really do, we don't need to get a job, we don't need to take care of the younger one. I never think it is good for a child to be like this but we don't even have a choice. Chinese society is still in a severe situation. Based on my observation here, I found It better for a child to have siblings or they will be too lonely to face the outside world. Having siblings give them responsibility and care.

Now I don't know what to say about it. My father always think that I am escaping, from the real world. He always wants the best for me but he thinks happiness is the main element of life. He is a businessman and he sells books as he reads. He is a reader, in some ways. He influenced me a lot. He likes to buy me a lot of books. I tried to read all of them but I can't. He once told me that, if you don't live happily, come back. Every time I recall the expression in his eyes when he said this I will cry and last forever. I wanted to tell him that I am really really happy here. I love the city. I love everyone who really cares about me. I love the society where everyone is being polite. I love when I feel comfortable giving tips to my friends after they served me. I love the churches and everyone seems to have his own religion. I love the place where my dream comes true. But , however, a place like this can never be a home. It makes life so easy, without challenging. I have to go back, Like the chum salmon. Hometown is a place that you can never abandon.

Here is my amazing dad.

Some random things:

Here is an awesome TED video I just watched:

1. The art of choosing

the woman is talking about choice and names:

You should fly, in the days you have all your passion

It was three o'clock in the morning. I have some trouble sleeping these days. 

"I made all these lies through my heart."

I started listening to this greater singer's music since yesterday. Actually, I have to call her a musician, not a singer. 

That song was called "80 percent perfect days". I have been thinking, how many days in my life were perfect? Or they are supposed to be perfect? Not more than 20 percent, as however they are measured. We always have trouble, everyday, every moment. Like right now, I have this trouble sleeping, and most importantly, I can't find a way out of it, I can't help stop thinking what I should do now. I can't just get up and go to work for the rest of the night and sleep in the morning. And I can't think like an American so that I can express my feelings more precisely. There are so much thoughts I can only tell in Chinese. Like a Japanese author once said, one can only write in his own language, no matter how much they know the other languages, first language is like the way you breath, you hope to do it all your life. To be honest, Those things are like an excuse, for not telling myself to others. But they are not.

I've always been thinking, how did your life change after 17? For me , it was a big deal. In China, we called 17 as the "age of raining". There are so many things happen in 17. It is the right year before the biggest exam. Everyone is studying as hard as the best they can do. But meanwhile, during these ages, so many thoughts and emotions come out. We would think, why we are doing this, why can't we go out with my girlfriend instead of staying at my room doing the stupid homework or what exactly is the purpose of entering college? I came here to find the solution. But unfortunately,  I am more confused about my life now. I have a whole bunch of dreams which are based on the memories  in China. I have all these people who care about me but living more than 10 thousand miles away from me. Should I just follow what I set up my mind with, or should I change it? No one knows.

"Ever since that day, I made every decision for myself, I don't care what others said"

 I saw religion through every corner of the city. I saw fresh air. I saw friendly people. It's like the cafe  in September. That afternoon, I was drinking a cup of coffee, seeing couples passing by. Its the simple of you give me the flavor back. My mum used to tell me , when in Roma. I always wanna run away from her, from my family, doing whatever I want to do. And I still want to travel , through Europe and Japan. Nothing can cut down my desire of leaving the city and be an adventurer. But I now realized, even if you have been to all the countries in the world,the only thing you can't arrive, is your hometown. 

I have been struggling in the situation of choosing from my dreams and love. I ignored everyone who wants to tell me, if someone really loves you, he or she will let you go, or there is always one thing you want more. I have to say I can't give up either of these. Life is a combination. with all those troubles like I mentioned before. I have no choice. The only thing I can do is just make good deal of the things right in front of you. Do not think anything, anymore. Some day , solutions will automatically come.

"Just let the things you can't take , you can't leave, be in the rain."

Here are some music of hers -- Cheer Chen.

Someone once told me, u don't need to know the language in order to understand the music. If you like it, you would find the soul of her music.

After 17: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEtLDIAt5o8

Fish:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=UCJup7Komrg

September Coffee Shop:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=lgNwk-HqvIc&NR=1

Self portrait poem

Charlotte-

Passionate, generous, introversive and true

Cousins of  Greg and Laura

Lover of the truly understanding, the lucid dreaming memories and the smilings my dad gave me on the raining days

Who feels  peace when reading, anxiety before the exam and rich when traveling

Who needs security, family and truth

Who gives comforts, ideas and good luck

Who fears Monday, leaving and spider

Who would like to see world peace, better Chinese society in the future and what I am doing after 10 years

Who used to live in a big city  right near the city center

-Lu

Education of a wandering man -essay2

As I was sliding on this book， it reminds me of this woman, who reads book everyday and writes book critics for every books she read. I was so impressed by what she has done for all these years and wondered if I could do such an amazing thing.

But I was not such a consistent person since I was a little kid. I can’t even played the piano for two years, I can not dance more than two years. Sometimes these kinds of things drive me crazy. But as I was reading this book，I realized that the author , who is person doing whatever things he love to do and never changed his mind erratically. He said “ I studied purely for the love of learninig, wanting to know and understand.”  I have always been thinking, what I should do for my future, should I just read in the library and do not go to any college? Should I traveling around the world for a year and drop all my senior year class? Should I just live like a normal person? Those thought are gradually eroding me days after days. I never found a solution. Then I noticed that the solution never will come up as you see the facts clearly. One of my favorites write did not finish his junior school study. He quited and started his career. Louis Lamour told me that there is never a perfect way for a person to learn how to study. It always depends on who you are and what the situation is.  For me now, I decided to go to college earlier as the situation comes. I never hesitated coz going to college give me more opportunities to ask , to learn how to learn. I hope everyone could find their way out.

Alternative Ending for The tell-tale heart

No doubt I now grew very pale; but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice…..

The sound does not seem to be heard by any other people in the room. For me it was like a cold freezing spider crawling on my rigid heart making a raspy sound. I tried to asked for help, calling to the police. But I make it is making no effort as I tried to giving sound. I talked fluently when I told about how my grandpa was years ago , how was the sugar price on the town and how was the pretty girl who’s gonna be married at the end of the month. I cried out loud as I was throwing out those thoughts. I stood up running from this side of the room to the other. The officer was smiling at me as they were dissolving in the air. “eho .. who…” The sound in my head excited me, again and again. The sound of course they heard not , by any place in the single world. I swung the chair but the legs of the chair stayed steadily while the arms of it are grabbing me , my hair, my neck ,trying to smash all my body. I can see the cops staring . They knew everything as they inspect the house. They were yelling, mocking…

“ No more!” as I shriekd, two hands from below the planks streched out pushing my heart out of myself and draging it in. “ Help,” As I cried toward the cops, my eyes were dissappeared through the lowest site of the room.

traveling in mind traveling in the world

——Education of a wandering man reading entry 


I was reading the " Education of a wandering man“  starting from last week. It's not been a long time but I feel like I have traveled for quite a distance. 

I was a reader not since long time ago, probably about two years. I have been reading nights and days since that time because of the education system at our high school， honestly, because of the system in the whole country. I was reading a book of a famous person who dropped middle school and started writing about what he has "learnt" from school. I was really impressed of what he said as I thought the exactly same way. I quit studying in high school and started reading, all kinds of books.

 Based on what I have learnt by reading books , I compared it to the things I absorbed for years from the textbook. As what it was like, reading detective stories gives me more time to think logically than I did in my math class, reading modern and ancient prose helps me understand more about how the author write, how the structure an essay is formed, as well as reading history stories enriches me in the history area, etc. I consistent on what I think about "studying " although everyone else is against me in all kinds of ways.

The favorite part I found in the book so far is when he said about college. He thought college is not a place you can learn , it is a place where you are directed to what you need. That's not the original sentence but that's what I agreed. Louis, he is not a real wealthy man, but fortunately he got the chance to travel around and learn different cultures and people, which makes him one of the richest man in the area. That's what I want before 25. I hope I could get the courage I learnt from him. And meanwhile, learning from the person right next to you is a convenient way to know more about world, not to mention I am in a completely different country right now.